choices

Being home is so emotional. I tried to think of how to start this post and I started crying, nostalgic for something that happened a few hours ago. Sometimes the things that happen to me feel like they occur in memories already, I am looking at myself from outside and knowing that the whole scene will kill me, already kills me.
Tonight it is the scene after my parents left Seth's sister's condo, where we'd hosted them for dinner, and I went to gather my belongings to meet them down at the car. I was kneeling on the floor while Seth said goodbye to them, then he raced down the hall, and we hugged there on the floor, laughing from the relief and joy that the thing had gone well and my parents had warmed up.
I hate this, wondering whether I am doing the right thing. A little, I want to stay in Chicago where I don't have a job or any worries, only friends and family and the only task is to see them. Though this place isn't isn't easy; already I feel my own distance everywhere, and I feel terrified. I try to remember my life in New York as anything but uncomfortable lonely and difficult.
This has been the most acknowledgment I've given these feelings so far. I decided not to unwind all of it for as long as possible, because I know after I've thought everything out to myself I'll be a sobbing mess for the rest of my little time. Such small things can set off my regret.
My parents were themselves a bit choked up at the same moment I described earlier. As they left to bring the car around they observed to one another that now, I had had them over for dinner for the first time. Everyone's a big baby over here, everything is heartbreaking in Chicago. Maybe I'll be better, distracted at least, once I'm back on my grind in New York. I don't know what to do.

where-i-want-to

My bike tire needs to be changed. I hope when I go home I am at least as cute and cool as folks remember.
Today during my break from work, I walked over to Everyman Coffee with Sequoya and Logan, and we ran into Margo and Mike D. The place is becoming our breakroom away from work, all of us with our shirts changed for 40 minutes of sitting around listening to Sequoya talk about things that make him laugh (The Far Side). It was the first time I was late coming back to work. As we strode up the stairs we heard pages over the intercom: "Will Mike D report to register 11, Olivia report to register 9" and laughed and felt naughty (maybe just me on the latter). Tonight I am going to "girls' night" at Kristen St Claire's in Bed-Stuy, I bet we're going to talk about work crushes and eat ice cream :)
Friends in Chicago should be advised that I'm looking to have a potluck in a park between the 11-14th. Not all of the days, just one of them. So keep 4 days of your schedule clear until further specification.

yeschterday

The last week was a pain in the ass because I worked too much and drank too little. I kept trying to call my boyfriend but he has a million friends and is always doing things like inviting people over to watch things on the projector at his sister's condo (where he is house-sitting for a couple months). I felt very alone sometimes, even when people were around: Jason slept over one night but just KEPT SLEEPING, all day I was alone in my room, unable to leave or convince him to wake up. To compensate I keep collecting dumb crushes, one-per-week.
This week will be better because I'm going to Bennington today for a couple days, and finally at the end of the week I'll be home again. Just picked up some crisp white tees (they are all I wear, and my present ones are getting dingy or as my mom would say "Irish white") and some dip-dyed ankle socks for my journeys. See you soon, everyone I love.

"whole fucking summer", 2008

last summer i made a meticulous journal of every day of my summer, starting with crying in murphy's pub and ending with a sweaty first day in my nyc dorm. today was my second day of summer, 2009.
yesterday i dropped off my last paper, which was about wile e coyote and americans and shit. i worked 1-9 and then i went to karaoke with Jason and all his friends in new york. It was an unprecedented ball even though i didn't get to sing "i will always love you", the dolly version (i had practiced). today i woke up early as usual. i borrowed a horrific Alaskan ID from patty for jason's birthday celebrations.
michael quattlebaum jason and i raided the bins of stuff people from my dorm tossed. michael got three rugs and two mattress pads and a cleopatra halloween costume. jason got an amazing set of speakers and an ipod alarm clock. i got a ton of shit that is now daunting because i have to move out sunday, including some dishes, a wooden spoon, an unopened dvd of Il Postino... the most astonishing thing we found was a pack of Plan B birth control, which for those of the ladies who haven't been there, is 50 dollars a pack. Why some lazy girl threw it in the bin, I will never understand. I took it. hope it isn't expired and i get pregnant :X
Anyway we made fish tacos and went out to party. the alaska ID did not work. the night was chill; considering it's a tuesday i think that's allowed. after the party i came home and raided the food bins: got a lot of popcorn, pasta, olive oil (considering my episode earlier this week when i broke an entire quart on the floor, i deserve this one) and trader joes natural pop tarts. time for my nightly bicycle crunches regimen, and a pop tart.

ARE YOU BORED YET